Stalker, creep.

“Excuse me, hi. How do you do? I’d like to say I’m attracted to you.

Your inviting smile and sparkling eyes. May I take you for a drink, or maybe a bite?”

“How polite you are, well yes you can! It’s nice to be accosted by a gentleman.

Someone grown up, not pushy or demanding. Gross were the days of the dreaded ‘bb pin!'”

“Well lovely lady, shall we say eight?” “Sounds perfect sir, I’ll make sure I’m not late.”

“I’m looking forward to this evening,” he says with an infectious smile. Well that hasn’t gone so well, in a while!

Such a pleasant supprise, completely refreshing! So sick of the boys, this guy could give them a lesson.

Show them how to be courteous, friendly and kind. Wow what a treasure, what an absolute find.

It’s eight pm and I walk through the door. He is already there with a bag on the floor.

A big bottle of scotch and a posh box of chocolates. Me thinks this man what’s me inside his boxers?

Well, we’ll see how dinner goes, then he presents me with a dark crimson rose.

“Wow my favourite, how did you know?” “Just wait til I see what I’ve got down below?”

“Pardon me, what?” “No I meant in the bag. I know what you like!” Hold on, is this man mad?

“Thats really nice but how do you know?” “Well I looked things up, wrapped it up in a bow!”

“Looked me up?” Oh I see. This man’s been Facebook stalking me.

Well I suppose that’s normal now. But something came over me quite foal.

He looked at me and took my hand. “Oh dearest, how I want to be your man.”

“But we have only today just met. You don’t even know me yet?”

“But I do dear, I know what you want. I know you haven’t had a real man in so long.

Someone to love you, and I know that I do.” “Erm… How can that be, YOU DON’T KNOW ME YOU FOOL?”

“I just want to know you. Please, don’t be mad.” “But your acting like you already do. LET GO OF MY HAND!”

” Please my love you hurt me so.” “How can you get hurt, by someone you don’t know?”

“If you don’t try to love me back, I’ll stalk you forever.” “Then what, you’ll attack?”

“No my love, I couldn’t hurt you. I love who you are and all that you do!”

“Ok I’m leaving I need to go. Please don’t get up, or follow me home.

Thanks for your time, I’ll pay the bill. There’s no hate here, theres no ill will.”

“But my darling!” “NO! Let me stop you, before you over share.I thought you were different from the others out there!

You were so kind and easy to talk to. But no your just scary and now and I don’t like you.

But I’ll give you a word of advise. When you met a lady, try not to think, wife.

You don’t know what you’re letting in your life. Pain in your back, can you feel that sharp knife.

You can’t love a person on a appearance alone. Even if you’ve stalked me, whilst playing on your own.

We’ve never spent real time together, not even kissed. You can’t expect someone to like you back, when your creepy like this!”

“Well fuck you BITCH I was trying to be nice. Other guys wouldn’t even look at you twice.

Fat ugly whore, how dare you say no. Now stop acting dumb BITCH and take me home!”

“Well there you go, look how you’ve changed. Now you’re an arsehole as well as creepy and strange.

How dare you, what are you thinking? What I’ll owe you something after dining and drinking?

On your bike and away you go!” “Come back here you little hoe!”

“Get the fuck away.” “No you owe me sex. I see your nasty, gold diggery flex!”

“What do you mean. I just paid. Oh and look, I don’t expect to get laid!

Look at that,not all of us heathens.” “All women are whores! You’ll burn for you sins!”

“Ah, now I see. A misogynist. An old fashioned, bigoted, bastard prick.

Good bye and good luck in your future endeavours. No real woman will touch you, no not ever!”


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