Hair.

I woke up happy today. I felt well and energetic for the first time in a long time. But there’s always something in the back of my mind that drills it’s way to the forefront, just to ruin my buzz.

I have a wedding to go to this weekend, which I’m looking forward to. It will be fabulous I just know it. I have my outfit and shoes sorted, but I’m stuck with my hair! My hair ruins everything! It used to be my saving grace, the one thing I could rely on to keep me feeling fresh. On the days where I had just washed it I felt like a superstar!!! However after chemo and the way it’s growing back, sometimes all I want to do is shave it ALL off again. I know that in the long run its going to be beautiful, but its taking too long to drop.

I’ve mentioned my hair a lot in recent poems too, so I know it’s really playing on my mind! I’ve always known that my hair was important to me, shallow as it may seem. So it’s not a shock that I cry about my hair. Still I cry! But I have hair now! It’s not all shaved off, it’s growing thick and fast and beautifully curly. But the bastard just stands on end. I look a fucking nightmare! I don’t feel pretty anymore. Even with the caked on make up and the contouring and the baking that I’ve learnt from many YouTube videos, shout out to Nikkie Tutorials. Queen is a lifesaver!

I’ve got loads of wigs and even had one sown in once, my hair was so thin at the time that it came apart the next day and I had to rip it out of my head myself. I’ve tried gluing them on, but I’m just no good at it. So now I just put some clips in one side of my hair hoping that I look somewhat presentable when I go outside, which is once in a blue moon. At home my hair is wild and free, but when I catch a glimpse of my barnet in the mirror I instantly feel my eyes water, and that’s it, I’m depressed for the rest of the day. How have I become that obsessed with hair?

This might seem like a trivial thing to a lot of you. However I can can tell you straight, my confidence left me when my hair fell out and I don’t think it will come back until my hair drops. I need length not height! Sorry for ranting on, but this has been getting me down for months! More importantly, thank you for listening. Oh and if anyone knows of anyone who can do sew ins and it’s not extortionate please let me know!

Love always The Middle Human 🙂

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13 thoughts on “Hair.

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  1. I know that if I stay in a lot I end up a bit over-focussed on my appearance and slightly vulnerable when I go out again. This happened more in the past during long periods of illness. My balance always shifts back the more I get out amongst people and get over that initial fear. If we have something to criticise about ourselves it makes it more difficult. When I was a student I woke up one morning and my nose was covered in boils! I looked like Jimmy Durante. I was so insecure back then I stayed in for a week, constantly putting TCP on and any other home remedy I could. Nightmare.

    I don’t want to presume to know, but from what you’ve said your hair will grow back. It’s a case of biding your time and in the meantime doing the best you can to help yourself feel more confident in the fact that you’re a decent person regardless of what temporary setback you might have to your appearance. It’s also useful to remember that most people are 1. not that observant; 2. are often pre-occupied with the way they look themselves and don’t notice other people

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Stephen. For me it’s not what other people think though. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to this sort of thing. Unfortunately atm, I hate the way I look and I know I won’t be able to get back to any sort of normal without my hair. Again I know it sounds shallow, but I really do end up crying about, many days of the week too. I respect that everyone is all for the inner beauty, but gosh darn it I miss looking the way I did before! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know. It’s about accepting what you can’t change at the moment. Otherwise, what do you do? Torture yourself every day until your back to normal? Torture is an option. It’s just a waste of your energy and time. I know, I’ve done plenty of it myself!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Middlehuman,
    I’m new to blogging so I’m surfing around to see where I can post my blog and behold I come across yours….I feel you with the hair but I also encourage you to brace it and ride on with it. I invite you to read my blog and with hopes it might smooth some of your sorry. I have no idea where my post might be floating out there in LaLa land. Enjoy and embrace your moment. cc’sinn.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you CC I will have a read of your blog. Thank you for commenting, it’s always great to have a fellow blogger/person that can understand or help in anyway 🙂

      Like

  3. Thank you so much….great continued health too you. Oh by the way hats,scarves and more have some really diva caps and hats to accommodate any occasions. Check it out online.
    Happiness always

    Liked by 1 person

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