I woke up happy today. I felt well and energetic for the first time in a long time. But there’s always something in the back of my mind that drills it’s way to the forefront, just to ruin my buzz.
I have a wedding to go to this weekend, which I’m looking forward to. It will be fabulous I just know it. I have my outfit and shoes sorted, but I’m stuck with my hair! My hair ruins everything! It used to be my saving grace, the one thing I could rely on to keep me feeling fresh. On the days where I had just washed it I felt like a superstar!!! However after chemo and the way it’s growing back, sometimes all I want to do is shave it ALL off again. I know that in the long run its going to be beautiful, but its taking too long to drop.
I’ve mentioned my hair a lot in recent poems too, so I know it’s really playing on my mind! I’ve always known that my hair was important to me, shallow as it may seem. So it’s not a shock that I cry about my hair. Still I cry! But I have hair now! It’s not all shaved off, it’s growing thick and fast and beautifully curly. But the bastard just stands on end. I look a fucking nightmare! I don’t feel pretty anymore. Even with the caked on make up and the contouring and the baking that I’ve learnt from many YouTube videos, shout out to Nikkie Tutorials. Queen is a lifesaver!
I’ve got loads of wigs and even had one sown in once, my hair was so thin at the time that it came apart the next day and I had to rip it out of my head myself. I’ve tried gluing them on, but I’m just no good at it. So now I just put some clips in one side of my hair hoping that I look somewhat presentable when I go outside, which is once in a blue moon. At home my hair is wild and free, but when I catch a glimpse of my barnet in the mirror I instantly feel my eyes water, and that’s it, I’m depressed for the rest of the day. How have I become that obsessed with hair?
This might seem like a trivial thing to a lot of you. However I can can tell you straight, my confidence left me when my hair fell out and I don’t think it will come back until my hair drops. I need length not height! Sorry for ranting on, but this has been getting me down for months! More importantly, thank you for listening. Oh and if anyone knows of anyone who can do sew ins and it’s not extortionate please let me know!
Love always The Middle Human 🙂