An other honest entry

It’s creeping up on me more and more Every day. I thought I was getting better but the pain and anxiety is clawing deeper into my soul. I don’t know what’s bringing it on but I’m waking up every other night gasping for air, heart pounding, vice clutching pressure on my chest. My jaw stiffens and I can’t move my face. Aches ride down from my neck, to my shoulders, electrifying every morsel down to my feet and it can happen for 10’s of minutes at a time.

Morale hitting an other low I lay in bed fantasizing about how I’m going to get myself better and push myself to do new things. Get out, meet new people. Write and tell my story so I can help others in situations similar to my own. Then depression and anxiety hits and BAM!!! I’m knocked off my feet for weeks at a time. I do not want to be a pitiful mess I want to be an inspiration, but I’m bloody struggling. And I understand life is a roller coaster of emotions but the highs are not high enough to motivate the broken me.

On the other hand I’m proud that I’ve lost weight and I’m really trying to be healthier than I have been before. I need to cut the drinking back abit, but it is a bit not a lot like it used to be. I’m not being hard-core dieting healthy but I’m not taking the piss and I’m taking all the factors into consideration and it’s working slowly, but it is working.

I’ve had set backs this week which hasn’t helped. Not feeling well provokes the anxiety which in turn provokes all the stress in my mind and body. The only thing getting me through is knowing I get to speak to someone and the Marie Curie this week. However it’s not going to be the same as the last three appointments where I was vibrant with strength and positivity. It’s going to be the I really hate my life kind of appointment, I remember having this appointment this time last year and finding out very soon after that I was very sick again.

So actually maybe I do know why my body and mind are doing this at the moment and it’s not surprising really is it? Some part of me is convinced that I’m sick again and some part of me is trying to swat that ISH away and focus on all the fun things I had in mind. I’m at war with myself again and it’s making me miserable. I wake up miserable. I look at myself and I’m miserable. I try to take back some independence like get on the bus and take a journey and nearly soil myself due to pure anxiety. The fear is fucking real people as funny as that last part might sound to you it wasn’t humorous at all. Trying to do normal things either make me want to throw up or shit myself. Thank goodness I haven’t done the latter but the throwing up is a problem!

I’m gonna do something different and ask for ideas. I know I’m not the only one going through something and I need advice because I feel like I’m going crazy!!! I don’t need advice from those who haven’t a clue, I don’t care if it sounds bitchey but fuck me, you ever had advice from a clueless contributor? They basically talk nonsense, have a go and insist you do better; without giving you any means. Seriously those people need to steer clear of the comment section because this bitch will come for you and at the moment she bites!

Any way I hope that writing this helps me put the missing pieces back in the right places. Hopefully soon I can look back at this and be like thank goodness I do not feel like that anymore. Because it’s shit and I’ve had enough! Ok well anxious rant over, thanks for reading guys.

Sincerely TheMiddleHuman

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