Do you ever have those conflicting feelings? For instance I hate the way I look right now because I’m fat and disgusting. However I have a massive urge to stuff my face with carbs and dairy, also sushi but I always crave sushi! I’m not actually stuffing my face but I am fantasizing about a feast of sushi and cheese dip with loads of crisps/chips. At the same time I’m visualizing myself at my biggest with this stupid hair, no makeup not wearing a bra. So basically me right now except I’ve lost 3 stone since May. Me at my most raw.
I genuinely hate myself at this particular moment in time and that’s not something I’ve dealt with for a while. Having stage 4 cancer for 2 years probably allowed me to take it a little easier on the self hate? You see the more you dislike yourself the more you spiral into some sort of hobby and sometimes some of those hobbies become addictive. Now I was never an alcoholic but I was QUEEN of the binge drinkers and we all know that a bitch likes to eat! When you gorge yourself on food and booze you tend to put on weight real fast!
It was such a tangled web of shit. I was chubby so I ate my feelings and so I hated myself and I drank those feelings. The cycle kept on going until I got really fat and literally dropped down and nearly died. Not saying it was the gorging myself that nearly killed me I was seriously ill, but shit did it kick me up the arse! So for the last 2 years I stopped hating myself, but I still hated life because you know being so sick you don’t know whether you’ll live to see your next birthday is really fucking messed up!
I’m not 100% sure why I’ve decided to be so candid with this today but if I was to guess it would be a mixture of looking at myself sober and hearing bad news (not about myself) but when you go through something like I have you make friends and sometimes those friends don’t survive. I wasn’t even there to be a shoulder for the others when they found out today because I stayed home. I found out through a very close friend via text.
Since the news, my gut has been doing somersaults. You know that in life the worst happens and even though it’s right in front of you, you’re not ready for it when it comes. I feel so guilty. They were good and kind and real. They tried so hard to make themselves fit for their family. Yet I sit on my bed most hours and most days dwindling away the precious time I’ve been so graciously given. To be honest I didn’t start writing this to mention the horrid news and won’t go into more detail as I don’t think that is my story to tell and there are people far closer to that wonderful person. I feel a fraud for mentioning them really.
Someone who I can mention though is my nan. I know that my closest friends know but I struggled to talk about this loss. Especially with my family and again its because of the guilt. I was the one that got better, but I wasn’t the one that kept the whole family together. The one that did lost the fight. She was the best person in the world. I know we all say that about the people we love but I mean it she really was. She endured many things and came through them a generous, loving and powerful woman. A real role model for my mum, my sister and I. As I am saying this I’m thinking about my other nan who was just the same. I need to give a shout out to them both.
Both grandmothers lost to that horrible disease. If I’m not mistaken both grandfathers too? Each of them wonderful people and all of them fighters. People say I am strong for what I’ve been through but am I really? What the hell am I doing with myself? NOTHING! So that’s why I hate myself at the moment, and that hate is making me want to stuff my face and get rat arsed. I can handle not racing to my vices now though and I suppose I’ve answered my question now? I’m not sure I’m even going to post this? Don’t get me wrong I’m all for honestly and vulnerability from people but I’m not sure if this is too much?
Well I suppose I should some this up? Wonderful people have gone and it makes me mad but mostly guilty. Guilty that I sit on my fat, ugly arse and do naff all to help myself get out of the rut I’m in. I know it looks like I’m doing better and I really have been, but having days like these really stops you in your tracks! If you take anything from this let it be that you fight for the best life you can possibly strive for, for as long as you are able and remember those that did that but lost. They will be forever in our memories and our hearts!!!