I Have That 5am Mentality!

I am that bitch that gets up at 5am! Ready for the day you say? Well... Five times outta ten I am that come on bathe, go for a walk, home, bathe, eat, plan the rest of your meals for the week and do more steps. Then there's the other half of the time when... Continue Reading →

My home, my safety, my prison!

What do you do when you have 0 self worth? When your skill set is limited, you're in your mid 30's and the idea of integrating with the outside world makes you physically sick? This isn't a informational piece, this is an *albeit too honest* post about being very fucking stuck and very fucking scared!... Continue Reading →

Note to self…

It has been a funny old day. Not funny wet your pants, more funny rip your hair out! Normally, on these types of occasions, I reach for food and drink to comfort me. I wanted alcohol! Whiskey in fact, and whiskey means I'm thoughourly fucked off!!! The weird thing is, and this never happens, I've... Continue Reading →

Energy Zombie

I had one of my worst attacks last night and lost a fuck tonne of sleep over it!I lay here on the sofa barely keeping my eyes open, reliving the suffocation I had the displeasure of experiencing just a few hours ago. Once again I had crushing pain in my chest and fleeting breath from... Continue Reading →

Commence the Bloody Game

Its not supposed to be like this, the sadness and the pain. The loneliness that coincides with fractures of the brain. The correlating emptiness, and nauseating strain. Not knowing what it does to me, to make me go insane. A percolating itchiness, has come over me again. I'd ask you what the reason is, the... Continue Reading →

Deflated

It's funny how we revert to childhood comforts when we're feeling low or unwell. At this moment in time, I am feeling truly deflated. Now, this might be because I've just had an infusion and my body isn't functioning the way it should? Yet, I feel like I've lost a battle? Can I tell you... Continue Reading →

Yearning

I feel hopelessness, I want to elope from this. But, I'll do it on my own. Can't breathe normally, so informally and forever I must go. Please, don't look for me, the world so uneasy. I will find some solace. Yearn for something genuine, this battle, I shall win. This place will be open and... Continue Reading →

Useless

Time ticks by, we sit and we wait.Heroes still working, whilst the worlds in a state.Some locked away for nearly a year.Some clapped for heroes as others just sneer.Talk of conspiracy, they think covids a farce.The rest of us pleading that you just wear a mask!Please, keep your distance. Better off, stay inside.Sceptics still roaming... Continue Reading →

Change for Good

Longing for independence,Aspiring to thrive.No more struggling, or just trying to stay alive.Make a little money,Make a little home.Just another push into the world all on my own.Sorry, is my passed,Broken, we're my feelings.Sickness no longer dominant, self-love shot through the ceiling!I have risen from rock bottom,I can make me a success.I have happiness lurking... Continue Reading →

Bad vote!

There go the cats, fat as can be, showering us with incompetency. Making the rules, then ballsing them up. Expecting the rest of us still give a fuck. Please, keep your distance, please, make some space. Its the law now, so cover your face! Watch them though, it's not what they portray. Don't do as... Continue Reading →

Walls, windows, doors.

I can hear them whisper, through walls, windows and doors. Buzzing, bustling murmurs, vibrations beneath the floors. A violation of my sanity, no belief but, still I pray. Please, can this nattering, let up, for just one day? Agitation sets deep inside, the chills start creeping in. Nauseating memories and violent shakes begin. How could... Continue Reading →

My face will never frown

I don't like the weekend. It's where my routine goes to pot. And, now that we're in crisis, we're stuck inside a lot. A bottle for our sorrows, a bottle for our glee. See it's only one for you, when I would then down three! The weekends are for resting. Yet, that is all I... Continue Reading →

Deflecting

I wrote a different poem, but, I'm too scared to share. Far too many emotions, dispersed over there!I feel silly, quite pathetic, ridiculous, ashamed! I'm embarrassed by this, but, only got myself to blame.Now, I'm stuck here rather glum, without a reason or a clue? Twiddling my thumbs with not much else to do. Might... Continue Reading →

Get Out!

Get out, get out, I cast you out, I will not let you be! This constant dread, inside my head, can't have a hold on me! You creep inside, my frustrated mind, through my eyes, you'll see. Distortion, distaste, destruction, chaos and anarchy! You can't feed upon my emotions, you'll drink a drop no more.... Continue Reading →

Self-care!

It's been a funny old couple of days. My intuition on point once more and the outcome not my favourite but, it's healthier and had to be done! During these times it's difficult to do self-care,  especially when your self-care is locking yourself inside. Well, we've been doing that all bloody year! So what do... Continue Reading →

Transforming Me

I have been on the slightly larger side since primary school. I had hit puberty early and with that had dimensions the other 8/9/10-year-olds didn't. I stayed slightly curvier and more meatsome all the way through my teens too. But, then for some reason, I started to gain weight rapidly. I was no longer just... Continue Reading →

Every inch of blue.

It's 3 am, I'm up again, I can't stay asleep. I have something deep down inside trying to strangle me. There is no rhyme or reason, limerick or joke. No decent explanation as to why I have to choke? It squeezes furiously, the air begins to fade. My vessel full of terror. My brain is... Continue Reading →

Too scared of the truth.

Please stop drinking, Your soul is sinking. Unaware of your whereabouts, This poison stops you thinking! Want to retrace your steps? Last night's anyone's guess! You've gone blank. It's time for a memory test. Check yourself for bruises, Check yourself for lumps. Must have fallen over? Head has a massive bump. Your left eye is... Continue Reading →

Unrequited! (Addiction)

I don't want to! You can't make me! I will not let you go! Your breaths, my breath. Have you, till death. Your life I'll forever own. Even on the light days, When it all seems less heavy, I shall be sat at the table. Misery loves company, You, the exception. Must mean your less... Continue Reading →

Unwelcome Taste

Damaged goods, Lost in deep thought. Anticipation, Leaves her distraught! Her broken vessel, It shudders with pain. The wait is physical, Emotions are Slain. She can not concentrate, She struggles to breathe, Wish to let go, Be free of disease! You play loose and free, No care for the next. Does it not matter, Shes... Continue Reading →

Diminish My Pride

Not enough! Not worthy. Too made up! Too earthy! Wears to much makeup! Alright. But, fat! Self esteem, Even lower than that! They say the right things. None of them mean it. I'm so sick and tired, Of all of the bullshit? Someone has to be kind and true. We know it i'snt going to... Continue Reading →

It’s not awful all the time.

It's 3am. I've been up for what feels like an hour trying to feel normal again. I awoke mouth burning, lips swollen, heart raging. Is my chest going to collapse? No, that's my brain, it's dysfunctional! It won't let me sleep. I'm not allowed to understand peace. My insides clattering beneath my skin. I can't... Continue Reading →

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